Fear vs. Faith in My Heart

Recently, I have read the following scripture...

D&C 67: 3

3 Ye endeavored to believe that ye should receive the blessing which was offered unto you; but behold, verily I say unto you there were fears in your hearts, and verily this is the reason that ye did not receive.

Reading this scripture helped me realize that my heart is afraid of relationships. I am so afraid of being hurt again that I push relationships out of my life... except for those relationships that I know from the beginning will not go anywhere. I believe that the reason for being single is that my heart is full of fear...and not faith.

Fear and faith cannot reside together. So, I must choose one and let go of the other one.

The Impact of Names

Last night, I attended a singles activity with some friends. They were talking with a guy whom I have seen before, but don’t really know him. We have only briefly talked a couple of times in the past year or so… more like a passing “hi” than anything else.

As he joined the conversation with my friends and myself, I was surprised to hear him call me by name. Not only was I surprised that he knew my name, but to be addressed within the conversation by name was powerful.

Several years ago, a roommate and I were discussing the power of using someone’s name. She reminded me of a scene in the movie Ever After…

Danielle: Say it again.
Prince Henry: I’m sorry.
Danielle: No. The part where you said my name.

The sound of our name can be one of the sweetest sounds that we can hear. When someone addresses us by name, it makes the conversation more personal and has a positive impact. It also sends the message that the conversation is directly geared towards the person addressed. By addressing someone by name, the sender indicates that it is important for the receiver to receive the message… and that what is being said is a personal message to the receiver.

This is one habit that I would like to develop :)

Hitched or Ditched

Have you seen the new reality TV show called “Hitched or Ditched”?

This show focuses on couples who have been dating for a number of years and haven’t made the commitment to marriage yet. At the beginning of the show, the couple is presented with a wedding invitation… an invitation to their own wedding in one week from that day. They don’t have to make their decision to get married or not until the day of the wedding; at the alter before their family and friends. If they do not get married, then they break up for good.

Having been in a long-term relationship, this show has caught my interest. It isn’t a bad idea to put some pressure on the couple. Otherwise, it is easy to stay in the relationship as it has become comfortable… yet, stagnant. For me, it feels better to be single and moving forward… compared to being in a relationship and watching time pass me by.

Whether we are single or married, it is always good to be moving forward with goals, dreams, schooling, or whatever it is that we are aiming for in life :)

A Story

Once upon a time, there was a girl. One day, a boy asked the girl to go with him to a play and she accepted. The day of the "date" arrived. The boy went over to the girl's house, so they could go to the play. They went to the car and started driving. To the girl's surprise, the boy went to another girl's house and also picked her up. From there, the three of them went to the play. This was a very awkward situation... for the girl was certain that the boy had asked her on a "date." This was the strangest date that she had ever been on -- one boy and two girls. She had never forgotten this experience and has laughed about it over the years.

Recently, the girl has become friends with the boy's sister on FaceBook. The other day, the sister wrote on the wall of her brother telling him that she had two tickets for an upcoming concert. His reply was, "Do you have another ticket that I may have?" The girl couldn't help but laugh as it reminded her of the "date" from many years ago. Was he planning to take both his wife and a date to the concert?

Moral of the story: Remember that a conventional date consists of one boy and one girl :)

President Hinckley's Counsel to Single Sisters

I was going through some old emails and found this one that I would like to share...

President Hinckley's counsel to single sisters in the General Relief Society session of General Conference, in September 2003:

"Now, we have a very diverse group to whom I am speaking. This includes young women who are still in school or who are working. You are single. You are hoping to catch that perfect man. I have yet to see one who is perfect. Aim high, but do not aim so high that you totally miss the target. What really matters is that he will love you, that he will respect you, that he will honor you, that he will be absolutely true to you, that he will give you freedom of expression and let you fly in the development of your own talents. He is not going to be perfect, but if he is kind and thoughtful, if he knows how to work and earn a living, if he is honest and full of faith, the chances are that you will not go wrong, that you will be immensely happy."

Too Much Too Soon

I have recently found myself in the realms of online dating. Over the past week, I have been in contact with a guy who seems pretty level-headed. As we have been asking and answering questions, I have been impressed with his insights and am interested in getting to know him better.

Then yesterday, he asked some questions that have hit a nerve. From his profile, I know that he is divorced and has kids. Yet, I was surprised to have him ask questions about how I would react if one of his kids was rude to me and how I feel about being in a relationship with someone who has kids. Personally, I am taking this one day at a time and still trying to figure out if there is even going to be a first date... let alone meeting the family.

I understand the fear of becoming close to someone and then having them walk away. Yet, I also feel that some things shouldn't be discussed until both parties have an opportunity to discover that they are interested in the other person. Honestly, if I met a great guy and we like each other, I am willing to meet his kids and consider becoming stepmom. Yet, I don't want to think about becoming stepmom to his kids until I know if I even like the guy.

Slow down... and get to know me first :)

Don't Get It

Last night, I was talking with a girl in my singles ward. She is fairly new in the ward. Shortly after she started attending the ward, one of the guys started dating her. She seems to always be sitting next to her boyfriend, so I have only talked with her a few times. Even so, I think she is really cute, nice, fun, and a bit reserved. She's a darling girl.

So, last night when I saw this girl sitting alone, I went over to say hi. I didn't sit next to her as I thought she was saving it for her boyfriend. As the night continued, I never saw her boyfriend. Towards the end of the evening, I had a chance to talk with her again. I mentioned that I was surprised to not see her boyfriend in attendance. That is when I learned that he had broken up with her on Monday night. I mentioned that I saw them sitting next to each other on Sunday and everything looked like it was going great. She responded, "That's what I thought." The breakup completely threw her off guard as she had no idea it was coming.

I realize that I don't know the whole story, but I am a bit shocked. Here is this beautiful and nice girl... and the relationship ended abruptly. I think what surprises me the most is that almost 24 hours prior to the breakup, I saw them sitting by each other and looking extremely happy with the relationship. The good news is that this girl seems to have a good head on her shoulders. She's struggling with the emotions, but she's allowing herself to continue moving forward in her life.

Traditions

A few months ago, I learned about some of the fun traditions that my friends do for their kids. My first thought was that if I was married and had kids, then I could adopt some of these fun traditions. Yet, being single, it isn't worth the hassle to do anything fun for the holidays.

That is when I realized that just because I am single... that shouldn't stop me from living life to the fullest and creating some fun traditions for myself. Not only that, but traditions are not reserved for only the holidays. Nothing is stopping me from creating, simple traditions to celebrate life on a daily basis. For instance, one idea is to eat Sunday dinner on my china plates every week.... and why not also have a special dinner for every Sunday. By doing so, this can be a simple reminder that Sunday is not an oridinary day... it is a day to celebrate Christ and remember Him.

As I thought more about it, I realized that I already have some annual traditions that I share with my sister. Every year, we participate and in the Susan G. Komen's Race For the Cure 5k Walk... and we also attend the Utah Shakespearean Festival.

Traditions help bring meaning and enjoyment into our lives. Married, single, young, old... we can all create traditions and celebrate life!

What Does Being Single Mean To Me?

The main advantage of being single is that it provides independence and freedom. I don’t have to check in with others before making a decision on how to spend my time. There is still the dream of finding a guy who will become my own Mr. Darcy (not perfect, but perfect for me). If I want to go out and do something, it’s not too difficult to find someone to join me after a few phone calls. If I want to be alone, I can go home and spend time with my cat. There is no reason to worry about a husband or boyfriend becoming jealous when I talk with a cute guy.

On the other hand, single life has its own challenges. I don’t always want to go home to an empty apartment, especially if my heart is broken and it is too late to call my friends. For me, finances and chores are the biggest challenge. It is difficult to accomplish goals with limited income and time. Sometimes, I worry about what my future holds in store for me when I am too old to take care of myself.

Over the years, I have come to realize that it doesn’t matter where we are at in life… married or single. Every situation has its own advantages and disadvantages. What matters is that we make the most of the life that we have been given.

“Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not;
but remember that what you have was once among the things only hoped for.”
- Epicurus

Going Alone vs. Taking Someone

How does one decide whether to attend an event by oneself or to invite someone to join them?

Honestly, I believe that it depends on the situation as every situation is different. Let me give you a couple of examples...

Example #1
Several years ago, I was invited to attend my ex-boyfriend's wedding reception. Since we had graduated from the same class in high school, I knew that we would continue to see each other at class reunions and possibly other events. Also, due to business connections, I would also be doing business with his company on occasion. So, I made the decision to attend the wedding. My main reason for attending was to hold my head up high and prove to myself that life goes on. As I knew that this was going to be an emotional struggle for me, I asked one of my girl friends to attend with me. I was able to attend the reception with the support of a good friend and that meant the world to me. To this day, I am glad that I attended the wedding and took a friend with me.

Example #2
About a year after the ex-boyfriend's wedding reception, it was time for our class reunion. At this time, I wasn't dating anyone and considered asking a guy friend to go with me. The cost was about $50 per person. That is a lot of money to spend when the only reason to take someone with me is to try to put on an image that I am okay... while my ex-boyfriend is in the room with his new wife. I considered going and sitting with my married friends. Yet, I decided that the reunion didn't really mean that much to me and I made other plans for the evening. This is another decision that I am glad that I had made.

These two examples were big events in my life involving a wedding reception and a class reunion... both of which would have my ex-boyfriend in attendance. Sometimes, the big decisions seem easier to make than the small decisions.

Currently, I am debating on inviting a friend to attend a casual dinner with me... or to go alone. The dinner will be at the home of a friend whom I haven't seen in a long time. We will be eating with his wife and kids... whom I have never met before. I know that I tend to become quiet in unfamiliar settings, so it may be nice to take a friend with me. Yet, on the other hand, I haven't seen this friend in years and bringing another person with me may cause some awkwardness.

I haven't decided what I am going to do yet, but I know that whatever decision I do make - I will be happy with the results :)
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Single vs. Married Friends

So, I have been reading the book "A Single Voice" by Kristen M. Oaks. I was telling a single friend about how in the first chapter of the book. It was talking about feeling the pressure of being single from family and friends. Luckily, my family has been very good about accepting and loving me for who I am. There was a time when I felt the pressure of being single, but now that pressure is gone as I feel accepted for being me the way that I am.

Yet, with married friends, it is a different story. I have one married friend whom I love spending time with. We are close that she feels more like a sister, her husband feels like a brother-in-law, and their kids feel like my nieces and nephews :) Then, there are my married friends that when I am around them... I definitely feel the pressure of being single and uncomfortable spending a lot of time with them.

So, my 'single' friend and I were talking about why we can feel so comfortable around some married couples and not others. As we talked, I realized that some married couples only know how to talk about their spouse and their kids. Yet, the friendship that I have with my one 'married' friend is based on our own individual identity... we share similar interests and talk about these interests along with the things happening in our lives. Yes, we do talk about her family and my single life... yet, it isn't the focus of our conversations. Instead we focus on each other as an individual and the similarities that bring us together.

As I shared this insight with my 'single' friend, she reminded me that when I do get married to remember this and continue to treat my single friends as individuals... not as a single person.

No More Blind Dates

There is the saying that "truth is stranger than fiction." Well, I believe it is true in many cases.

Let me tell you about my friend who has a talent for setting me up with the wrong guys.

It started a few years ago, when she set me up with a guy whom we will call John. We became friends and would talk each Sunday at church. Once in a blue moon, we would talk on the phone and sometimes even get together to do something as friends. Little did I realize that this friendship would introduce me to finding out what it is like to have a friend in jail... and later prison. After a lot of confusion, I finally chose to take a step away from this friendship and move forward in my life.

A couple of years ago, this same friend introduced me to a guy at one of her parties. We will call this guy, Dave. Shortly, after meeting, we began to date. In the beginning, he treated me well. Yet, it didn't take long before I learned about the other girls in his life. He would tell me that the other girls were only friends. Yet, when we were on a date, one of the girls would usually call him. Not only did he answer the phone and talk with her for an extended period of time, but he would also tell me to be quiet for he didn't want her to know that he was with a girl. Everytime I began to walk away from the relationship, he would start talking about marriage and how I am the most important girl in his life. I finally walked away for several months. Since we were in the same ward, we saw each other every week and eventually became friends. Even so, the same things would happen all over again. I finally walked away for good about 9 months ago. Shortly afterwards, he eloped and moved away. Occasionally, he will still send me a text message with a holiday greeting.... which I just delete. I haven't received a text for a couple of months now, so hopefully he is out of my life now.

Well, they also say that the "3rd time is the charm"... but not in this case. This same friend of mine was afraid to go on a blind date, so she asked me to go with her and make it a double date. Of course, I obliged. I was really uncomfortable with my date. Luckily, my friend had similar feelings and we didn't stay long. Since then, I have recently discovered that this guy has been arrested and is currently sitting in jail waiting for a trial.

Another popular saying is "3 strikes - you're out." With everything that has happened, I have decided that this friend is no longer allowed to set me up with guys anymore. It has definitely been an interesting ride!!!